Gary happy for me to tell off boys

WHEN lingerie model Danielle Bux married soccer pundit Gary Lineker last year she didn't just gain a husband - she got four teenage sons too.
The merged family now includes Danielle's eight-year-old daughter Ella plus Gary's boys - George, 18, Harry, 17, Tobias, 14, and Angus, 13 - from his marriage to first wife Michelle.
Though the boys don't live with the Linekers they visit regularly and they take holidays together.
Now 31-year-old Danielle looks into what happens when parents remarry in Danielle Lineker: My New Stepfamily, on BBC Three on Tuesday at 9pm.
Here she tells of her experience as a stepmother.

BEING a step-parent is so common nowadays - even the Royal Family has them - yet no one really talks about the issue.

Or if they do, it's all the bad stories about wicked stepmothers rather than the positive things.

You can buy a book, or talk to other step-parents, but you have to go looking for advice. There's no group or organisation to turn to.

For children who gain a step-parent, there's really only Childline for help. But I can't imagine teenage boys phoning Childline if they don't like their stepmum.

There should be something on social networking sites such as Facebook or Twitter where kids can discuss these issues and ask for advice.

There can be so many issues that arise when a child gains a step-parent, for everyone involved.

Some children feel anxiety about going from parent to parent. Others find they don't know where they fit in any more.

My mum remarried when I was seven, and now that I'm a stepmum I can understand some of the issues my stepdad Alex faced.

He told me he found his new role a challenge as I saw so much of my biological dad and he didn't want to step on anyone's toes, and that was exactly the same for me.

Rules

There are no rules or guidelines and there are so many people involved, you don't want to overstep the mark.

Discipline was a particularly difficult issue. Gary always said he was happy for me to tell his boys off and that they would probably listen to him more than me, but I didn't feel I should.

Plus, I wanted them to like me - I didn't want them to dread coming round to their dad's house.

It's the same the other way around though - Gary doesn't like to discipline my daughter Ella. And if he does tell her to tidy up or not to do something, then she really gets the hump with him.

And at first I would think, 'This is my child, I'll deal with it.' But most of the time, Ella has Gary wrapped round her little finger and he's really enjoyed having a girl after four boys.

With a stepfamily, it just takes time for everyone to adjust. Gary and I have been together for three years now but we're still working it out and building our relationships together. It doesn't happen overnight.

We address each issue as it comes up. There have been times when we've disagreed about how to handle the kids but we would never say anything in front of them.

We would wait until they're in bed before saying, 'I think you could have handled that a bit better.'

Keeping the lines of communication open is absolutely essential. We're all guilty of letting things eat away at us, but talking everything through really helps.

That goes for the children too. They should feel they can tell their parent if they are unhappy with their new step-parent. When I started filming the programme, I didn't really want our family to be included. But I couldn't make a film like that without showing some of our family life.

Gary's eldest son, George, chose to be involved. His three other boys are all under 18 and for that reason we decided that it wasn't appropriate for them to be filmed.

I allowed Ella to be in some of the filming and I had discussed that with her dad. With her I could control what she was doing, but it wouldn't have been fair to do that with the three boys.

I'm lucky because everyone gets on well, on all sides of our family, including Gary's ex-wife Michelle. You have to, because everyone wants what's best for the kids.

Fortunately for me, Gary's kids are just like him - very easy and laid back. We first met on a family holiday and they were so relaxed about everything. I often wonder, if he'd had four teenage girls, whether I would even still be around. I know that if my little girl didn't like my boyfriend, he'd be gone.

My relationship with Gary's boys is very casual. I joke with them a lot and if I do tell them off, I do it in quite a jokey way.

Tricks

If they had any serious issues, they would go to their mum and dad. They only come to me with silly things - like Tobias asks my opinion about his singing.

He's the next Justin Bieber, apparently - only better looking.

The worst thing the boys do to me is play tricks - like trying to drown me on holiday! They try to push me off the lilo because they think it's hilarious that I can't swim. I feel like I'm a big sister. You might go to your sister for help and advice - but she might grass you up as well.

Having my own child made it easier to understand Gary's situation. Perhaps if I hadn't got Ella, I might find it frustrating that I couldn't spend a weekend with my boyfriend because he's going to watch his boys play sport.

Some women couldn't get their heads round that. But I know that your kids are the most important thing in your life and they come before anything else.

Gary and I would like to have a child together in the future but now isn't the right time.

My main concern is Ella. She's the baby of the family and I would like her to be a little older, to be more responsible and more mature - so she can babysit, says Gary. I just wouldn't want her to feel she's been pushed out. The boys are so laid back I don't think they'd notice if I was pregnant.

My advice to any stepmums is to step back and don't put yourself on the kids too much. Many stepmums start buying presents and kids see right through that.

You need the kids to come to you. They need to be able to trust you, and that takes time.

You also have to remember kids only have one mum in their lives and nobody will ever take the place of your mum.

You have to work out your own way and remember you're a stepmum.